Tell Em Why You Mad...

Theres no real topic to this post. Im just dealin with alot of stuff. Mad drama in the house today. Im nervous my parents divorce is about to get real ugly, and even worse, my sister is instigating it. My mother has really begun to stand up for herself and my fathers recent faulty decision making makes me think theyre gunna clash. Theyve always been able to be adults and make the rite decisions but idk anymore. So much fighting and screaming 2nite i cant even deal with it, and i dont appreciate being thrown in the middle. On top of that, were still tryna sell the house but having absolutely no luck. This market is really fucking us and if we dont sell it by the end of july its gunna be a problem.

Ive been doing alot of thinking, reading, soul searching etc. Ive even cracked the bible (and u know i dont subscribe to that shit but thats how desperate ive been for any kind of direction). But the events of the past month have shown me alot. I was looking for a direct out right sign, but ive taken a step back and looked at this thing as a whole..... Ive had so few good, true people in my life, people whove loved me and cared for me genuinely. I can count them on 1 hand. So many people have abandonded me, people who ive cared for, been true to. Ive always felt so misunderstood and just alone in general, for a long time. No one really gets me or accepts me for who i am. Ive been listening to and worrying about the opinions of these same people. But i blame myself for listening to the advice of people who arent equpped to give it. These are the facts:

-Jamaal loves me, cares for me, and has been there for me in ways i cant even explain. He has supported me more than my own father. His loyalty, passion, devotion, and unconditional love is a once in a lifetime blessing.
-i have changed and grown alot, as have my needs
-careing for and loving people who dont care for and love u is fucking retarded.
-whats meant to be will be
-im young, lost, and dealing with alot
-love is not love if its only there for the good times. true love is shown when things are ruff, during the pain and struggle

This man takes care of me when im sick, pushes me to do well in skool, believes in me even when i dont believe in myself, and loves my family like his own. We've been broke together, hungry together, and cried together. We've built a home together. He pushes me to be a better person. He loves me for exactly who i am and i cant for the life of me understand why. Skinny, fat, no make up, stank morning breathe, some how he loves it all. Both of us are going thru some hard times right now, and i made the choice to tackle my problems on my own. But ive realized whats important. I need to stop worrying about every1 else and start worrying about my family and the people i love. I dont know whats going to happen in the future, i have no promises or guarntees, but i know that im not ready to give up. Not having jamaal in my life is simply not an option for me, i cant bear it. And its not because i need him or am afraid of being alone, its because i love him and we've always been meant to be.

I was talking to a friend earlier today and realized i cant change who i am. Im not some super social happy go lucky optomist. I hardly trust any1 but i cant live my life like that forever. I dont know all the answers, i dont know wats right and wats wrong, all i know is that im willing to learn, make mistakes, and grow. I want to be happy. Will all the struggles coming my way, I'm going to need all the love and support I can get. Its going to be hard and im going to be lonely with him being overseas, but wether we stay together or not, ill make it somehow.