Tell Em Why You Mad...

I seem to be addicted to trouble. It's like a drug, i get high off of mischief. I need thrill and excitement or im bored 2 tears. I like doing all that im not suppose 2. is that every1, or just me? im just so frustrated with being bored. i dont no wats going on with me, ive never felt so out of control. it feels like time is flying by.

im so angry i cud scream

Im gunna tell u how ppl r:

I think i need 2 start smoking again. idk wat else 2 do with all this restlessness. i feel like a ticking bomb. i need 2 be entertained 24-7, by something fascinating and intriguing, cause im bored out of my fucking mind. Ahhhhhh!!!

I miss wat it feels like to like a boy. ya no, nuthin crazy, but a crush, when u get butterflies in ur stomach. im so jaded now i dont even remember wat it feels like. what happened 2 the good old days when u liked someone and they liked u, and u flirted endlessly, harmless innocent stuff, that was fun.

On another note, turkey day is upon us. So excited to just be home and not worry about grades and money if only for a few days. Im sick and tired of skool. Not excited about dragging all my bags to and from ny tho. I think im gunna take my sister to see twilight for her birthday. But first im being forced into a dinner with the man whos name is on my birth certificate. I guess that means he wont be joining the rest of my family for the festivities on thurs (typical). I look forward to watching my uncles get shit faced. But all that is still about 12 hrs away, as i am currently trapped at work : (

I dont floss

One of my favorite things to do in the whole world is finding out wat people want/expect me 2 do, and doing the exact opposite of that. Is that dysfunctional? Probably. I cant help myself. When someone tells me to do something, i have the insatiable urge 2 do the complete opposite. If they had never told me 2 do it, i probably wud have on my own.

What is life but a collection of memories? Life as it happens is but a fleeting moment, moments that end just as quickly as they began. Thats why pictures are so wonderful; they capture our moments and keep them even after the memories fade...

The world tore us apart....

I wish i cud just run away with you. Far far away from every1 and everything. Me and u just living in love, watching the sun set. Free from the pressure and the stress. It wud all be so simple. Our love is perfect, our love fighting for survival in this world is not. If it werent for that or it werent for this, it cud all be so simple. Some times it wud be nice 2 have support. ya know, love, love like we and our close friends sitting around the table over wine and laughter (no ones ever been happy 4 us b4). I know you dont belive me but i dont need much to be happy. In fact, its the so so much of everything that makes me unhappy. Too much distrust, too many miles between us, too much painful past...

I wish i cud just run away with you, just me and you living in a small house by the water, sitting on the porch laughing drinking sweet tea, watching the sun set. No noise, no voices, no judgment, no doubt.... But our love cud never make life that simple. I feel the world might tear us apart...

For a while i really thought i made the wrong decision. I doubted myself, thought i was ruining something perfect. But all it took was one conversation to remind me that it wasnt perfect to begin with. i forgot about the problems we had... for the past few months ive been blaming myself for all this, but maybe it was just the inevitable. i forgot how much i sacraficed and the toll it took on me, maybe thats wat lead us 2 this point, not my selfishness. I've made the right decision....in fact a little more distance is in order cause it seems that very little has changed. i cant be in a one sided relationship. i just cant. i feel like love is a constant battle for the upper hand, but im sick of fighting for it. things have always been about every1 else, i always play by every1 elses rules. wat about me, wat about wat i want? when will some one look past my flaws and imperfections and love me anyway? unconditionally? im not perfect, i cant be, i never will be. ive had 2 love others even when they purposfully did things to push me away and not love them!! when will someone do that for me?

"I never wanted to love somebody this much. i was fine before i met you"

"tell me the truth frank. remember that? we used to live by it. and u no wats so good about the truth? every1 knows wat it is however long theyve lived without it. no one forgets the truth frank, they just get better at lying."-Revolutionary Road

"i hate you, your just some boy who made me laugh at a party once. in fact, i loathe the sight of you"-Revolutionary Road

"I didnt no that to be in love u had to fight for the upper hand"

Leah Millers secret to life: dont give a shit about any body. be selfish. cause once u ask yourself the question "Wat about me?", everything changes for the better. I mean, after all, who are you? What do you want?-The Women

"They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday. But...in spite of their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other. "

He said "I didnt mean to upset you"...You dont have the power to upset me, you dont matter enough to upset me-The Reader

"you put up with that shit that I just wont deal with"-def poetry

Theres no real topic to this post. Im just dealin with alot of stuff. Mad drama in the house today. Im nervous my parents divorce is about to get real ugly, and even worse, my sister is instigating it. My mother has really begun to stand up for herself and my fathers recent faulty decision making makes me think theyre gunna clash. Theyve always been able to be adults and make the rite decisions but idk anymore. So much fighting and screaming 2nite i cant even deal with it, and i dont appreciate being thrown in the middle. On top of that, were still tryna sell the house but having absolutely no luck. This market is really fucking us and if we dont sell it by the end of july its gunna be a problem.

Ive been doing alot of thinking, reading, soul searching etc. Ive even cracked the bible (and u know i dont subscribe to that shit but thats how desperate ive been for any kind of direction). But the events of the past month have shown me alot. I was looking for a direct out right sign, but ive taken a step back and looked at this thing as a whole..... Ive had so few good, true people in my life, people whove loved me and cared for me genuinely. I can count them on 1 hand. So many people have abandonded me, people who ive cared for, been true to. Ive always felt so misunderstood and just alone in general, for a long time. No one really gets me or accepts me for who i am. Ive been listening to and worrying about the opinions of these same people. But i blame myself for listening to the advice of people who arent equpped to give it. These are the facts:

-Jamaal loves me, cares for me, and has been there for me in ways i cant even explain. He has supported me more than my own father. His loyalty, passion, devotion, and unconditional love is a once in a lifetime blessing.
-i have changed and grown alot, as have my needs
-careing for and loving people who dont care for and love u is fucking retarded.
-whats meant to be will be
-im young, lost, and dealing with alot
-love is not love if its only there for the good times. true love is shown when things are ruff, during the pain and struggle

This man takes care of me when im sick, pushes me to do well in skool, believes in me even when i dont believe in myself, and loves my family like his own. We've been broke together, hungry together, and cried together. We've built a home together. He pushes me to be a better person. He loves me for exactly who i am and i cant for the life of me understand why. Skinny, fat, no make up, stank morning breathe, some how he loves it all. Both of us are going thru some hard times right now, and i made the choice to tackle my problems on my own. But ive realized whats important. I need to stop worrying about every1 else and start worrying about my family and the people i love. I dont know whats going to happen in the future, i have no promises or guarntees, but i know that im not ready to give up. Not having jamaal in my life is simply not an option for me, i cant bear it. And its not because i need him or am afraid of being alone, its because i love him and we've always been meant to be.

I was talking to a friend earlier today and realized i cant change who i am. Im not some super social happy go lucky optomist. I hardly trust any1 but i cant live my life like that forever. I dont know all the answers, i dont know wats right and wats wrong, all i know is that im willing to learn, make mistakes, and grow. I want to be happy. Will all the struggles coming my way, I'm going to need all the love and support I can get. Its going to be hard and im going to be lonely with him being overseas, but wether we stay together or not, ill make it somehow.

i dont know what to do. lost as ever, i need to figure things out asap. wish all this shit wasnt so hard. my life is currently a mess

Im so sick of average niggas doing average nigga shit

I cant describe what it feels like when you know your ready to get married. I dont no for sure that everythings gunna be alright, I dont feel that he and I are the "perfect couple". All i know is that me and jamaal feels right, it just feels good. i can just be, just breathe with him. he just absolutely loves everything aboutt me. and im just a regular, boring, dorky, confused girl. Im so difficult and such pain in the ass and he loves it all, all of it no questions. He asks nothing from me. All he wants is me and it blows my mind. Life sucks so much but when me and him are just sitting on the couch together, everything feels so easy. I dont have to try. With every1 else i force it, it feels so hard for any1 to really understand me. Of course people change, as 10 20 30 years go by, people evolve. But the heart of a person, the articoke heart of someone doesnt change. It may get lost, but it never really disappears. If you fall in love with a persons artichoke heart, that shit will last you a life time. idk...hes my best friend. when were not together we miss eachother so bad, when were apart its tourture. I no that if we werent together forever, id spend my whole life missing him. I feel like i meant him for a reason. I feel that god sent us to each other. hes suppose to save me and im suppose to save him. things wont be easy, in fact the hard stuff hasnt even begun yet. Were gunna be apart, were gunna be broke, were gunna struggle. But i still have hope. God gives me that hope.